Let it Go

I woke up the other morning with a feeling like something was different. Like my life had a new lightness about it. A burden had been lifted in my sleep. I suddenly didn't have this heart ache that I have felt for months.I was okay with not being a mom right now. I felt whole. 

As easy as it may be for outsiders to look at you and say "Just stop trying it will happen when its supposed to." that is a heart issue and not something you can just "decide" to do. God had to work His way into my spirit and change my perspective. It had been a mix of things that allowed me to let this go. I finally got fed up with thinking their was something wrong with me. It didn't feel right in my spirit that I had a problem causing me not to get pregnant. I knew deep down I think, it just wasn't time. I just wasn't ready to admit that to myself.I was using the idea of being a mom as distraction from everyday life. Things I needed to accomplish were put aside so I could indulge in ideas of the future. I was being unfair to my husband, and to myself by not living in the present. I had to wake up and understand that this was a habit I had done for years with many many things. I had day dreamed of growing up, or graduating, or getting married , and buying a house and I have done all these things. I had control over these things. I got to decide when I was going to get married and I had input on when we would buy a house, but a baby....I have no say in that. I had to let it go and give it to God and just allow Him to refocus my heart and my mind on things of the present. 

It might sound easy, but it isn't. It can be near impossible to give up control (even when you didn't really have it to begin with). I can say now, that I am content in my life. It is important to have goals, but only goals you can control. Being a mom is something I know I want but it is something that is in Gods hands. I have to have faith that it will happen, and when it does the timing will be perfect and I will look back and be thankful that it didn't happen when I wanted it to.