Let it Go

I woke up the other morning with a feeling like something was different. Like my life had a new lightness about it. A burden had been lifted in my sleep. I suddenly didn't have this heart ache that I have felt for months.I was okay with not being a mom right now. I felt whole. 

As easy as it may be for outsiders to look at you and say "Just stop trying it will happen when its supposed to." that is a heart issue and not something you can just "decide" to do. God had to work His way into my spirit and change my perspective. It had been a mix of things that allowed me to let this go. I finally got fed up with thinking their was something wrong with me. It didn't feel right in my spirit that I had a problem causing me not to get pregnant. I knew deep down I think, it just wasn't time. I just wasn't ready to admit that to myself.I was using the idea of being a mom as distraction from everyday life. Things I needed to accomplish were put aside so I could indulge in ideas of the future. I was being unfair to my husband, and to myself by not living in the present. I had to wake up and understand that this was a habit I had done for years with many many things. I had day dreamed of growing up, or graduating, or getting married , and buying a house and I have done all these things. I had control over these things. I got to decide when I was going to get married and I had input on when we would buy a house, but a baby....I have no say in that. I had to let it go and give it to God and just allow Him to refocus my heart and my mind on things of the present. 

It might sound easy, but it isn't. It can be near impossible to give up control (even when you didn't really have it to begin with). I can say now, that I am content in my life. It is important to have goals, but only goals you can control. Being a mom is something I know I want but it is something that is in Gods hands. I have to have faith that it will happen, and when it does the timing will be perfect and I will look back and be thankful that it didn't happen when I wanted it to. 

Validation and Vulnerability

These two words haunt me, they chase me and it is only through the love of Jesus that I rise above them daily. 

First I am going to talk about Vulnerability, the picture you see above is me being vulnerable to you. I have no make up on, I'm sun-burnt, and I can see my belly pudge sticking out. I am giving you ammo to talk about me, to call me names and put me down and it terrifies me. I am writing this because the only way to defeat fear is to face it head on, plus its kinda like that movie Pitch Perfect when Rebel Wilson's character calls herself "Fat Amy" so "Bitches" don't do it behind her back haha! I am imperfect, I have flaws, boy do I have flaws. I am sensitive, unmotivated, clingy, unorganized, selfish and that's just to name a few.  I struggle with my food habits and working out. I have the best intentions but it is so hard for me to MAKE myself do things. I am flawed. Don't get my wrong, their are things about myself that I am proud of, and thankful for. Parts of my body, mind and spirit that I feel like I "Got it right" and thats a wonderful feeling. This is be being real with you. This is who I am. Who you are may be completely different, your flaws are not my flaws and  your strengths are not my strengths . Thank God we are different. =) 

Really when you think about it, the who go hand in hand. I need validation so I don't feel so vulnerable.I have always looked for validation in things I do. From the time I was in Elementary school I wanted my teachers to tell me "Good Job Brianne!" I wanted my family to tell me how proud they where of me, and I wanted my friends to tell me what a great friend I am. How selfish of me, to think that all these peoples thoughts and actions revolved around me! I am getting better at this, it has taken time for me realize that the only validation I NEED is from God, and from myself. Its not easy, its really really hard, and its something I have to conscious of everyday. 

The best way for me to get over this hurdle, is to set small goals to make myself stronger, physically  mentally and spiritually. 

Goal #1 is to run a 5k this May. I have to start holding myself accountable.

Goal # 2 find a church (this has been so hard for me, but thats a another post for another day) 

Goal #3 Graduate with my Education Associates degree in December.

I'm putting this out there to hold myself accountable, its out in the world now and I know you guys will hold me to it =) 

Joy vs. Happiness

I have always felt that their is a difference in joy and happiness. Joy comes from God. In my life joy is down deep in my soul and it is what makes me get up every morning it is what drives me. Joy is consistent in my life. The minute I feel my joy is gone that is when we have a problem. Happiness though is a bit more difficult at times. Happiness for me is found when I have go out to a movie with Riley, or when I get to come to WV and spend time with my family. I find happiness in my relationships with others. Some may find it in time alone, me not so much. Happiness is different for all of us, but Joy is universal. 

So here are some things that make me happy: Cuddling with my dogs, going out to eat, being outside on a sunny day, having a clean house, cooking a meal from scratch, window shopping (real shopping makes me very happy), doing almost anything with Riley, spending time with my nieces, talking with my family, talking a hot bath, reading a good book, watching my favorite tv shows and lots of other things that I can't think of at the moment. 

What makes you happy? Do you agree or disagree that joy and happiness are different? I would love to hear from you guys! Have a Happy Monday =)